I'll Wait For You
by Becky9
Summary: Carter POV after 'A thousand cranes'. Unlike anything I've written, quite long, reflections of conversations aired, and my recollection of his thoughts. Please read and review!


Title and Author : I'll wait for you - Becky

Summary : A Carter POV after ' A Thousand Cranes' - at the moment anyways...

Specifications : Uhh..well, it's Carter POV, and for this particular chapter, or fic in general, Abby didn't find the ring...

Disclaimer : Sadly, I don't own Carter - I really wish I did - nor Abby, nor Maggie. We all have Warner Brothers', Michael Crichtion, John Wells, and Jack Orman for that. And o' course, Noah Wyle, Maura Tierney, and Sally Field, for making them such wondeful characters to want to write about...

Please R 'n' R, and also read my note at the end!

_

The water droplets beat down on my back, the pressure trying to banquish the memories of this evening's events. Of how close I came to propose, but of the distance I had yet to go.

The restaurant, myself, my speech, had all been planned. My question about 'changing' had been thrown in, to try and rid some of the nervousness from me, searching for the reassurrance to continue. The reasurrance, that never came. But before I had thrown in that agonizing question, my heart had done most of the talking, explaining breifly my feelings, knowing that I could never fully explain to her how I felt, purely because there aren't enough hours in the day.

__

I've, uh, spent a long time looking for a relationship that I thought would stick. Sometimes it was the wrong person. Sometimes I guess I wasn't ready, or in the right place, but... I think I am now. I really think I am now. Are you?

Maybe it had been that question that I should of payed attention to, maybe, then, I would of known where I stood before continuing.

  
_John…_

Because I really want this..to stick.

Me too.

I know that uh, we've had a rough time, and there's still a lot of stuff that we have to get through. But I think we're doing okay. I think that we're growing, we're changing. Do you?

I don't know if people ever really change. ......But, I know what you mean.  


You do?

  
I think I do.

She thinks she does. She thinks she understands. She thinks she can tell people change. 

But, that's not the problem, it wasn't a question addressed at her. It was more to myself, maybe I'm the one who needs to change, who needs to lower my expectations. But, they're not. I have no expectations. No great expectations.

I don't need Abby to change for me, I'm in love with her, I'm in love with the Abby I know. Problem is, that now, I'm not even sure of that. I may just drum these words into my head, telling myself, pleading to myself, willing myself on. Maybe I'm in love with the old Abby.

The ringing telephone resignates through the apartment, my hand reaching to turn the water off. The water, has seemingly done nothing for my feelings. I step out, searching for my misplaced towel, revelling in the warmth it brings after sitting on the radiator.

__

I don't know if people ever really change

She doesn't.People change Abby, I can assure you, people change.I've changed, I've fought my battles, and now, I'm prepared to help you do the same.

I don't want the rest of my life to be angst ridden because of my regret of not doing my duty this evening. I don't want to be bitter because of that, I want it to work. I want us to work, I think I need us to work.

I hear the beep of the phone, re-charging it's batteries, as I wipe the last amounts of steam from the mirror, I call out, in some ways, hoping that I can stop thinking, and just relax in the time we have. Not married. Not engaged. Much, I think to my regret.

" Who was that?!"

" Uhhhh...Maggie!" I hear the reply, and then fumbling around the living room.

" What did she want?"

" She wanted to thankyou for the ride. What kind of tea d'you want?"

" Whatever you're having.."

I sigh, discarding the towel, and begin padding through to the kitchen, leaving my pep-talk of 'why's and why not's' behind. 

I find her, back to me, hair still pined back but loosely falling, delicately stirring what looks like herbal tea. Now, I think I remember my why's of trying to propose.

I pad over, running a vacant hand through my hair before reaching the counter, wrapping my arms around her torso, savouring the smell of fresh perfume.My head falls to the vacant spot between neck and shoulder, leisurely resting itself there, staring over her shoulder. Her hand lifts to my cheek, grazing it slightly, rubbing her thumb up and down my cheekbones, whilst her other hand, works the fingers, stirring the cups of tea.

" Hi." I whisper, paying careful attention to the movements of both her hands. 

" Hi."

My eyes narrow at the colour of the tea, the spoon still working it's wayaround the rim, in careful, skilful, movements.

" Green tea?" I inquire closely, still watching with wonder, somehow mezmerised by the simple action.

" Yeah. It'll help you sleep." She pulls away, taking her hand from it's place at my cheek, and drops the spoon, soon picking up both cups, and making her way to the couch.

Abby, I think I'll need a hell of alot more to make me sleep, and a hell of alot more to stop the transparent thoughts that I seem to succumb.

I follow her invisble prints to the couch, plopping down on the opposite end of the cushions, one arm leisurely splayed behind me, providing slight support for my neck. Again, reminding me of the today, a long day. My eyelids droop, and I close them, forcing a frown across my brow of troubled thoughts.

We're changing. Both of us, we're changing. Maybe unknown to ourselves, but, we are.

" You okay?"

My eyes open fractionally, my head turning, and noticing her intent gaze upon me. I nod, spreading my arms slightly, welcoming her form against me. She gratiously accepts, scrambling across the cushion, and placing her head against my chest, her legs carelessly splayed to the side.

I've missed this. Of all the recent crap we've been through, I've missed this. I think my shouts on the roof last night, were more of missing this, this contentment, than anything else.

" Are you okay?" I seem to punctuate the 'you' more, my fingers gently tracing the blonde tones of her hair.

"Mhhhmmm." We sit again, in a silence, and silence, that unsurprisingly, doesn't need movement, words, or anything. Just itself.

My mind casts back my previous conversation with Maggie. The advice, the hidden advice at least, that was said. But, unusually, the first thing that springs to mind is my analogy of how I spend my day.

__

Yeah. Yeah. I spend 23 hours a day wondering whether we're wrong for each other, whether the baggage we both bring. But within the 24th hour, I realize I've been thinking about her for 23 hours. There something about her, I can't stay away from. Something about her, that makes me wanna…love her. 

And, the thing is John Carter, that was all true.

Something else though, something sticks out, something that had shocked me, and something that had been replayed in my memory, as I made the lonesome journey back home.

__

Have you two…talked about this?

  
About having kids? I know that she worries about passing on the disease.

Have we? Have we talked about kids? Not to my own knowledge. I've thought about it, envisioned them, envisioned our house, envisioned Abby as the perfect mother, but never, have we really discussed it.

I guess, yeah, I want kids. I want the kids, the dog, the wife, I want the childhood for my kids that I was short of. And, unknown to Abby at this moment, I want her kids, I want her, I want her to be my wife.

And I don't want to fix her, change her, perfect her. I want her. I want Abby.

__

I just don't want you to want to fix her.

  
Abby doesn't need to be fixed.

  
Or heal her, or change her.

  
I love her.

  
I just don't want you to be waiting for her to change.

  
I'm not.

  
She's an amazing person.

I know who she is.

  
She's an amazing person with certain weaknesses, and you'd be lucky to have her, even with those weaknesses. But you have to love her even if she never changes anything. 

And, I'm doing that Maggie, Abby. I'm doing that. I love her. But, tonight, it just wasn't the right time, we aren't ready, she's not ready.

As cliché as that sounds, I'm gonna wait for her.

" I'll wait for you."

_

Author's Notes : Well, first of all, I'd like to thankyou for reading! This is pretty much unlike anything I've written, but I have to admit, I really enjoyed it! But, I'd really appreciate your comments.

There's two ways in which this could go, I could a.) leave this as a standalone, or b.) I could make this into a longer fic, about the run-up of how Carter would everntually propose. 

It's a hard decision for me to make, so please, either review and tell me, or drop me a line at macbeckyton@hotmail.com - but please write 'fanfiction' in the subject! Otherwise, I won't open it, for fear of annoying spam and stuff!


End file.
